Ten
Tips for Being a Good Big Brother: To my Nephew on his Birthday
Tens of thousands of boys get to be
big brothers, sure, but the job remains sacred. You did not choose this
position. God did, and now you must spend the rest of your life leading and protecting.
It is a job you cannot quit, a job from which you cannot escape. It is a job,
however, that if done poorly, can result in your unpaid suspension, an extended
leave designated by the younger sibling. This is different (and worse) than a
firing, and as much as a poor, suspended brother may want to sever ties for
good, he cannot. You are bound to this duty. I cannot express enough how important
this role is. Do your job well.
*
Nine times out of ten your parents will
fail with you before having an opportunity to fail at the same thing with your
little brother. They will guide you astray, will not discipline you the way
they should—most likely they will discipline you too much. So, when your little brother commits a mistake you have
no doubt committed and your parents respond differently (read: more lenient)
than you remember, or when your little brother gets a better experience than you did with, say, a birthday party—do not
mistake this as favoritism. It is most certainly not favoritism. It is your
parents improving as parents, something for which you should be (and will
eventually be) grateful. Instead of harboring jealousy, learn from your
parents’ adaptive methods. As a big brother you are also a teacher. Do not let
your brother make the same mistakes you did. He will respect you for it, and it will save
him spankings and you jealousy.
*
Eighteen is the legal age for a
person to live alone as an adult, which means you will likely be your little
brother’s roommate until at least that age. Learn how to live with him. Keep
your room clean and teach him boundaries. It is okay to mark your territory, to
point at your things and declare them yours, but be aware: your toys will be
used, your cologne will be sprayed, your clothes will be worn, sometimes
ruined. This is not because your little brother is a jerk who does not listen.
It is because you are his hero. He wants to be you, or at least like you. To
him, you get it. You understand the
world a little better than he does, and your actions garner his immediate
respect. So, when you catch him scampering out of your room smelling like a vat
of Adidas Body Spray, do not pummel him. Instead, explain to him the importance
of asking. Show him you understand. He will respect you for it, and this will
save you both a lot of spankings.
*
Seven days a week, twenty four
hours a day, you are an example. That is part of being a big brother. The way
you walk, the way you speak to your mother and father, treat strangers, eat at
the table, speak to adults, speak around friends, handle yourself in the
hallways at school: all of these things are under constant watch by two
smaller, similar eyes that observe your behavior for the same reason they covet
your cologne. It is the big brother’s duty to act in every moment as he would
in front of grandma and grandpa, and when he inevitably falters, the big
brother must admit his fault to teach humility to the little brother. This is
an important, perhaps the most important truth of brotherhood. If your little
brother hears you cuss around friends, he might think it is okay to cuss, and
in the middle of dinner you may be asked to pass the @*$% salt. For this he
will be disciplined, and he will surely say he heard the word from you, which
won’t make you happy. Be a good example. He will respect you for it, and this
will save you both a lot of spankings (or mouths full of soap).
*
Sixty seven percent of the time,
the eldest child achieves more success than his or her younger siblings,
according to a hasty and un-crosschecked internet search. According to the
study, this could be less linked to birth order than it is to parent-imposed
stereotypes. You are likely to be a leader because your parents—and uncle—expect
you to be. But according to authorial
experience, your leadership and competitiveness will likely result in your
brother surpassing you in at least one area: academics, athletics, carpentry,
running, jumping—something. Do not be upset about this, but rather encourage
it. Relish your little brother’s accomplishments and encourage him to cultivate
his talents and pursue his passions. He is not you, and that is a good thing.
Let him be himself. Be good at what you do, and let him be good at what he
does, and make him feel celebrated. He will respect you for it, and more than
likely continue his admiration of you and your pursuits.
*
Five of your friends are over. A
few of them are cool kids from the neighborhood. Kids you always feel honored
to hang around—it is a privilege to play at their houses, a rite of passage to
be invited into their basements to play their newer-than-yours game systems. The
fact that they agreed to ride their bikes to your driveway is beyond your
comprehension. You’re sweating, nervous, trying to model their coolness, trying
not to fart or say something stupid. And out comes your little brother.
What
are you guys doing?
He must be kidding. You want to ask
him what he’s thinking, why he’s choosing right now to stick his nose into your
business, to introduce himself to this group of elite middle-schoolers by
asking an intrusive question. Probably
just going to the park you might say.
Can
I come?
The cool kids roll their eyes, turn
their bikes toward the park and—unless you answer properly—their backs on you.
This is a crucial moment in your brotherhood, and with exceptions to context or
plans or number of kids or their level of coolness, it will happen to you. A
lot. Here are some guidelines on how to respond:
a.)
It’s okay to say no, to tell your little brother he can’t join you. As much as
he is your best friend, your family, your most devoted
supporter—you still live separate lives, and having more wisdom does not
exclude you from the weird social struggles of adolescence.
b.)
If you tell him no, do so, then take him aside and tell him why. Explain to him
the situation, how just because you’re invited to something doesn’t
automatically mean he’s also invited, that you’d love to have him along, but
today it’s just going to be you and the older guys, and when you get back the
two of you can hang out, and maybe next time he can come with. Choose your way
of doing it, but make sure he knows he’s still your guy.
c.)
Don’t be surprised if from time to time your mom gives you an ultimatum.
Something like “either he goes or neither of you go.” You can’t argue a
mother’s ultimatum. Don’t argue a mother’s ultimatum. And good luck with your
decision.
d.)
It’s also okay to say yes.
e.)
Never, under any circumstances, even if the cooler-than-you kids encourage it,
or establish it as an on-the-spot criteria for joining their group, be a jerk
to your little brother. Don’t tell him to go away, to scram, scat, or whatever
word kids your age will be saying. He won’t lose respect for you if you do. It’ll
be worse. You’ll break his heart.
*
Four out of every seven fraternal
competitions end in physical altercation, according to a memory-based estimate
by your uncle. Playing rough can be okay, believe me. It’ll toughen up your
little brother and ultimately make you both competitive. But playing tough, or
being tough, rather, is different than being a bad sport. Do not throw
full-forced punches, especially not to the gut or face or groin. Do not get
angry at your little brother if he beats you, even if he taunts you. Get mad at
yourself, and get better. Then teach him how to do the same. When the two of
you play in the yard, be competitive and have fun. When you leave, be good
winners AND good losers. Most of all, be good teammates. This will translate to
relationships and work and every other aspect of your life. No matter how old
you are, nobody likes a sore loser and pointing fingers is rude.
*
Three words that will mean the most
to your little brother coming from you: I love you. Your mom and dad will tell
him, as will your grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins. But your
voice will say these words the loudest. They get easier to say with age, but
stick it out through childhood. Tell him daily. Before bed, maybe, when you’re
brushing your teeth and nobody’s around. Tell him when he’s sad, or when mom
and dad are up against him, or when he gets dumped for the first time. Especially
tell him when he lets you down. The best part about being a brother—big or
little—is the fact that, regardless of the situation, or how difficult life
seems, you are never alone. It is your job to remind your little brother,
daily, that if he ever feels isolated, he has a big brother who loves him. If
you don’t, you may regret it later.
*
Two years is all that separates you.
That will seem like a lot when you start school, even more when you hit
puberty, and more again when you start high school (which may or may not be the
same time as puberty). But by the time your biggest concerns are the college
you will attend and the color of your tux at prom, those two years will start
to feel closer. By this point, these tips I’ve given you, if followed, will
likely make you best friends with him, will make you more inclined to protect
him. Protection in childhood means sticking up for him at the park, letting
everyone on your block know he’s your
brother, and letting your friends know they need to protect him, too. When
you’re in eighth grade and he’s in sixth, it means letting him sit at your
lunch table, talking to him in the hallways and sticking up for him when the
seventh graders try to act tough. It also means acting the right way—remember,
you are going through life before him. Make the path easier. Your teachers will
be his teachers, which means your behavior and work ethic will give teachers a
pre-conceived idea of who your little brother is. Make sure they receive him
well. The same goes for work: work hard. Be diligent. Be a leader. Take
initiative and don’t slack off. A boss who likes you is a boss who will hire
your little brother, and the same standard applies to a boss who hates you. The
effects of your choices carry as much, maybe more weight for him than they do
for you. This is the job for which you are chosen. Do your job well.
*
One final thing, and maybe the most
important thing: you won’t be perfect.
I am not a perfect brother, and if I’d known these things when I was growing up
there’s a chance I could’ve been better. I don’t even know if I’m a good uncle;
I haven’t screwed up at that job yet. But being an uncle is much easier than
being a big brother because I get to advise you from an experienced perch.
Being an uncle means I get to spoil you and be the good guy when your dad has
to discipline you. It means my house will be fun simply because it’s different
than yours. It means I get to be cool. It means I get to love you, protect you,
and lead you after knowing what it takes to handle such responsibilities. I get
to be here for you, no matter what, even when you feel isolated, when you’re in
trouble with mom and dad and your little brother hasn’t yet learned what it
means to be a little brother. At least that’s what I think being an uncle
means—this is merely based on my experience as a nephew (I have really cool
uncles). When you become an uncle someday, I’ll advise you on that. By then
I’ll have a better idea—this is about you being a big brother, after all. So
anyway, just know you’ll always have me the way your little brother will have
you. We didn’t choose these jobs. God did. And we need to do them well.
Happy second birthday, Jacin.
